In June of this year I wrote a letter to Thalia as she prepares to leave home for college next month. That letter is called Fly Away Princess and it is on this site. What most readers do not know is that thirteen years earlier, on a plane home from a work trip on July 31, 2012, I wrote a letter to Thalia’s older sister Isabella on the ninth anniversary of losing her. That is the letter below. I originally presented this letter on another blog called Good Plus One which I created to document my wife’s second cancer diagnosis. I am very open about Isabella and my story. Over the years that openness has helped others. I present it here hoping it continues to do the same.
Dear Isabella,
Nine years have passed. I am a different person now because of you. I am a stronger person because of you. I have helped a lot of people because of you. I have helped change the world because of you and I have helped others to do the same.
That being said………as strong as I may be…… today is a struggle for me. It is always a struggle but for some reason today is much worse…….more intense. I am sitting on a plane heading home from a work trip and I keep staring at my watch knowing that nine years ago around this time, one phone call changed everything forever.
One minute I had the intense joy of knowing I would meet you soon coupled with the joy of knowing I was hours away from celebrating with your Mom the day we were married. That would be a special combination any year but this was extra special because, without you I do not know if the anniversary would have happened. There was a time when your Mom and I were struggling and heading different directions and you changed all of that………you brought us back together and reminded us of the love we shared for each other. You reminded us of why we were together and how we fell for each other years prior and you reminded us that a life together was what we wanted.
The phone rang though. I play it over and over in my mind and simply wish the phone had not rang.
“I cannot feel Isabella kicking anymore”. That is what Mom said. Haunting words.
I wish I had known you needed me. Maybe I could have helped. I certainly would have tried. Maybe you would still be here today filling my day with laughter instead of the tears that are streaming down my face as I am sure folks around me on this flight wonder what is wrong.
The phone rang though and the rest of the day and evening were a blur of hardship. I held you. I was only given a few minutes but I savored every second because I knew it would be a long time until I would get that chance again.
I know you are okay. I know with all that I am that you are in a good place. I just miss you.
Until that day comes when I can hold you again, please know that I am grateful for the changes you brought my life on your short stay with me. Please know I did not stay down in sorrow but stood up in strength. That is your legacy……………giving me the strength and desire to lead a life that leaves behind a legacy of my own.
Meet you at the usual place……my next finish line.
Until then,
Love,
Dad
